To listen to the audio version – click the play button:
Highlights:
- How to prepare for and undertake tough conversations with team members successfully
- Practical preparation steps to ensure you are not nervous or angry before hand
- Step by step guide to structure and essential elements of the performance conversation
- 19 minute read.
Approach difficult conversations with confidence!
When you decided to employ people to grow your business, or when you accepted your first leadership role, it’s unlikely you imagined some of the extremely awkward situations you might face. Let’s learn how to handle difficult conversations!
In small teams, working together closely, it’s natural to form closer relationships, leading to unpleasantness if you need to address poor performance, misbehaviours or personal issues that are affecting work. I’m going to give you some great help here!
Being willing and able to talk about sensitive and emotive issues with your team members is an essential part of being a good modern leader. Like it or not, if you want good results from this kind of interaction then you’ll need to develop emotional intelligence, and to understand some little pointers I picked up along the way.
Back in one of my first leadership roles, I remember walking into a ‘quiet room’ with a member of my team. She was an excellent worker and it was vital that I didn’t demotivate her… there was just one problem. Every morning she was up early to work on her parents farm, then come straight to work. Unfortunately, this meant she was representing our organisation with unsatisfactory personal hygiene. This was just one of several ‘difficult conversations’ I was facing at the time. So how do you give yourself the best chance of getting a good result out of conversations like these?
Well, I learned that whilst being genuinely empathetic to other people’s points of view and feelings is important, there are some really useful and practical steps you can use to help here too. Properly applied, these key principles will help you achieve the right result and over time, make you a natural at dealing with this kind of knotty situation.
Your approach
Your frame of mind is, in my opinion, the single biggest factor which determines your success in any conversation. You may think that the outcome depends wholly on the other party’s responses to you, but that simply isn’t the most important factor at all.
To prepare for a conversation like this you will need to visualise and rehearse the conversation in your mind. It is extremely important to reduce your emotional state here. Remember, even if this is your business, your money they are jeopardising, this is a workplace discussion, not a row in the pub! Occupational interactions almost never benefit from highly emotional frames of mind as they will likely become altercations. (If you would like a great hypnotherapy resource which will help you de-escalate your emotional state prior to the conversation, check out the Let’s Work Healthy Shop page where you can buy it! – try it, it really works!)
To control your emotions , you will need to detach yourself from any anger or strong emotion prior to the exchange. I hesitate to say that you should view the exchange as a game, as I don’t want to be disrespectful, but at the very least you should try and view the situation as an exercise in self-discipline.
When two people interact face to face, a phenomenon occurs which neuroscientists call ‘contagion’, where multiple neural circuits operate in parallel within each person’s brain. This is an incredible occurrence, as a feedback loop between the two brains now exists.
For example, if you are anxious when you start this conversation, you will be operating predominantly in your ‘primitive’ or fight and flight brain, the Amygdala.
Move your thinking up – from the Amygdala to the Neocortex
The person you are talking to will spot signs of fear or anxiety on your face within 33 milliseconds of laying eyes on you. This emotion will then cause Mirror Neuron’s in their brain to fire and reflect your emotional state in their behaviour. You now have an emotional feedback loop that will derail your conversation before it’s even begun!
The 3 P’s
How can you dump unwanted emotion before the exchange? You need to be operating from the part of your brain that thinks rationally, the Neo-Cortex. You need to be in control! Importantly, you need to feel in control too! This can be done in three ways; Positive Interaction, Positive Thinking, and Positive Action:
- Positive interaction – If you are coming at this scenario from a position of irritability or anger, you are likely to be operating from within your Amygdala, the fight or flight part of the brain. Studies have shown that when operating from our Amygdala, we switch off the Neocortex, the higher reasoning part of our brain. The way to reengage it is through positive interaction. How do you have a positive interaction with the employee before the difficult conversation? …You imagine it! Remember, your mind cannot tell the difference between an imaginary situation and a real one (Hamilton 2014). Prior to going into the meeting, imagine the meeting with the employee at least three times, imagining an entirely positive interaction each time. Keep doing this until you can see the interaction from both their perspective and yours. Even imagined positive interactions create a flow of a neurotransmitter in your brain called Serotonin, calming the fight/flight response and transferring your reasoning processes from your Amygdala to your higher functioning brain (your Neocortex).
- Positive thinking – Simply adjusting your thoughts on what you are trying to achieve. What is honestly the best outcome here? Wouldn’t it be great to have you both leave this conversation, having taken some positive result from it? You having put your point across and received assurances of steps to rectify the situation at hand, and them having felt listened to and motivated to take positive steps forward?
- Positive action – thorough preparation for the discussion will help you feel better equipped, be informed and aware of any potential extenuating circumstances that need to be taken in to account.
Keep on track
Setting the parameters of the conversation is important here too. Human nature is such that if we feel that we are being approached over something where potentially we are at fault, a common response is to defer or detract from the subject at hand. Make it clear at the beginning of the conversation, what the conversation will and will not cover. For example, you may be aware of areas of conflict in a team member’s interactions with other colleagues, which they may try to raise during this unrelated conversation. Start off the discussion by explaining what it is you are here to discuss, and that although you are aware of other matters that may be of concern, you won’t be including them in today’s discussion. Set the boundaries early and stick to them. You can then tactfully reiterate this point to bring the discussion back on track when needed.
You may need to expand the conversation, but only when you believe information which changes the predicted outcome has come to light. Maybe you need to look at a significant compromise or change to working times or conditions that you weren’t expecting, due to a previously unknown health issue, these are real concerns. You only get to hear about these factors though if you listen!
Active listening is a thing…
If you want any chance of a positive result from any workplace conversation, it has to be that, a conversation! Which means you will need to listen carefully to what is being said. You also need to make it clear that you are listening, and not just waiting for your turn to speak.
Active listening involves you:
- Making notes on what is being said, so you can refer to them later, and to show that what they are saying is important to you
- Making solid (but not weird) eye contact with them
- Making subtle but definite gestures to encourage them to speak, nodding and sincerely smiling helps here
- Make sure you face them, look interested, and really listen to what they have to say
- Not interrupting if you can avoid it, but being sure to ask clarifying questions where appropriate
I have written a more in depth article on this subject which gives you some great tips on fostering creativity in your team too.
No Surprises! – I mean none
If you have been made aware of a problem that needs to be addressed with a team member, have the conversation with that person straight away! – Have a golden rule, Discuss it within 48 hours, after that the opportunity has been lost. If the issue is serious enough, it will raise itself again, otherwise, move on.
Having regular monthly contact meetings, where any drifts in performance are raised early prevents there from being a major problem to address at a six-month appraisal. If it is an issue which is worth raising, its worth raising straight away. Be sure to give the other person ample opportunity to address problems.
As an example, I noticed that one team member had failed to meet the performance commitments agreed to the month prior. Our monthly performance meeting was the next day, and I knew I’d have to raise this issue then. An hour or so later, I received an email from the team member asking to postpone the 1:1 meeting that was scheduled, so that they could take some holiday for a week or so. The temptation to let this meeting slide and wait until the following month’s performance meeting was huge and would have meant that I didn’t need to have this difficult conversation there and then…. But it would also have meant that the team member would have been given the impression that the performance drop wasn’t important enough to warrant making an extra effort to hold the meeting. The following month, further declining performance would likely have occurred, and the issue may have grown out of hand.
We had the meeting that afternoon.
I had ensured we had written performance standards and had taken great pains to review each team member’s performance every month, addressing this issue that day with the team member meant that at the following meeting, no bombshells needed to be dropped and no one could feel ambushed with a shocking revelation about sliding performance.
The key here is being open about the situation and giving the employee plenty of opportunity to address the problem, way before it escalates to a level where all good will is lost.
(For access to a great monthly focus meeting template which includes a section on feedback, visit the Let’s Work Healthy Shop)
from Amazon.comKnow the facts!
Speaking from an informed position is another massive factor in you feeling in control. The aim here isn’t to lambast the person with facts and data, but be sure of one thing, if you raise something as an issue, you’d better be sure you know what you are talking about! It’s a big mistake to go into a meeting with only ‘the general idea’ about something that has supposedly occurred.
If it’s time management, performance standards or financial inconsistencies, have the actual figures, checked and confirmed in front of you wherever possible. If it’s behavioural issues you are addressing, try and have witness statements, dates, times and if possible, confirmed accounts. The very last thing you need to do is make an allegation, and have the other person come right back with facts that show you are ill prepared, or worse still have ‘gone off half cocked’.
If you are in a larger organisation, know the policies or procedures that you need to abide by, or that you are holding them to thoroughly, before sitting them down. I am ashamed to say, I have fallen horribly foul of this one myself. I was sitting in front of a team member whose job it was to inspect large factory buildings all day, while they were operating. He was refusing to wear the safety gear we had supplied as he felt it was too uncomfortable for all day wear. I was in full flow, pontificating about how it was our organisation’s policy that he absolutely must wear the specific gear we had provided, when he deftly turned the screen of his laptop round to face me… and read out our own policy, which directly contradicted what I was saying… Oh.
Have a script!
During your preparation, you will have an idea of how the conversation is going to run, but the unpredictability of the other person’s response might throw your preparedness way off course. You prepare for this by having a script of must cover points written down, right in front of you, for you both to clearly see.
This serves two purposes.
First: it ensures that you have an unmovable friend, in front of you on your notepad. This friend is you, you before things got foggy in the midst of the conversation. A friend who can gently say… “don’t leave this room without making sure to cover this.” Keep your friend in front of you, as bold as brass, so the other person knows you have a carefully considered agenda, and this isn’t just an ad-hoc mish mash of your thoughts.
Second., as you work through the points on your script, you can make notes about exactly what was discussed underneath each point. Again, be seen to be doing this, and make it clear that you will be taking these detailed notes as a record of what is discussed. Once the meeting is over, you will send a copy of these notes to the other person as a confirmation of the conversation.
Follow this general formula for best results:
Step together…slide together
- Open with professional pleasantries, set the direction and extents of the conversation – reassure them of your confidentiality
- Let the employee know what you are concerned about, this is where you bring in specifics, facts or eyewitness accounts
- Frame their poor performance or poor behaviours in the context of the team and the organisation – show how they are impacting on their colleagues
- Clearly lay out what the expected behaviour is – specifics are key here, we are talking actual measurable behaviours, not lofty aspirations.
- Openly discuss possible solutions, invite them to suggest how the situation can be resolved particularly if there are extenuating circumstances (illness, lack of training or knowledge etc.)
- Make the consequences of inaction clear – this is the knotty part, but this is where you fall back on your preparation – no emotion, just facts
- Confine the response time – set a date for review, a deadline or some other definite time constraint for action
- Conclude the meeting positively – make it clear you have every belief that they can fix this situation, and that you would like nothing more than seeing them thrive in the team
From experience I know that at point number 4 above, there tends to be topic drift if you aren’t careful.
Lead the coversation like a well rehearsed dance
Try and avoid the employee feeling cornered, as this is where any irrelevant or derailing points will likely surface. After point 7, the employee may want to circle back to point 5 and bring in further extenuating circumstances, or in some cases look to shift the focus elsewhere. As long as you are sure you are right, this is where you politely but firmly review what is expected, and by when, then move on to point 8, and conclude the meeting.
One last tip, if you possibly can, no matter what the other person does or says… DO NOT GET ANGRY... did I already mention that?
If you follow this simple advice carefully, I am confident that the next time you are in this position, you will feel a whole lot less daunted and importantly, have a successful outcome. Good Luck!
Get involved
As you can see from the post, I am trying to give simple practical help to leaders wherever I can. I would love to hear your thoughts on the tips in this article, so it would be great if you could leave some comments below. Have you mastered knotty conversations? Let me know below!
I will be offering lots of pointers on this site as I develop the content and so let me know about anything you’d like me to cover too. I am also developing some great resources for leaders, and if you subscribe in the box at the top of this page, you’ll get FREE access to the new 32 page E-book, ‘New Leader Quick Start Guide’. If you want to establish yourself as a great leader and develop a creative motivated team, this E-book is for you!
See you for the next article!
Greg Bennett is a Public Health Professional and
Leadership Coach
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References and Further Reading
Hamilton, D 2014.Does your brain distinguish real from imaginary? https://drdavidhamilton.com/does-your-brain-distinguish-real-from-imaginary/ (accessed on 14 October 2019).
